The Cynic Doesn’t Go to the Gym

In case you missed it check out the previous posts on my battle with cynicism here, here, and here.

I have always loved superheroes. I can’t remember back far enough to remember when I couldn’t read, and I also can’t remember back far enough to a time when I didn’t read comic books. I still read comic books. Heck, I am two weeks away from taking a Sunday off and heading to the Cincinnati Comic Expo for comics, Funk Pops, and people watching. It’s one of the reasons it’s easy to relate this series on my battle with cynicism equating it a supervillain and approaching it from that angle. It makes sense in my head, makes it easier to be vulnerable about it, etc. Because the truth is I’m not actually a cynical person. But the more I give into negativity, the less I live in my secret identity as Jeff Ratliff, and the more I find myself living life as The Cynic.

Back in January of this year, our worship band got involved in Celebrate Recovery. If you have no idea what Celebrate Recovery (hereafter referred to as CR) is, think of it as the Christian version of AA, but for everything. CR covers not just substance abuse, but also depression, codependency, overeating, grief, sex addiction, etc. CR is almost always done by one church. It essentially becomes a ministry of that church, but the great thing about CR in our community is that it’s not just one church. It’s “ran” by an organization here in town called Piqua Compassion Network.  Piqua Compassion is a non-profit that helps people get ahead in life by helping with bills, teaching life skills, job placement, etc. Like much of the country drugs are a plague here. Piqua Compassion saw a missing spiritual component and sought to address the need by doing something unheard of in this community; bringing churches together. Rather than one church handling everything, there are several involved every week in CR. Our worship band leads the music much of the time, and as a result of us having to stick around for large group time before we can pack our stuff up and head back to church, I’ve learned a lot about a world I had no previous exposure to.

I tell you all this to say, one that, churches coming together to make CR happen? That is a real picture of the Kingdom of God. Despite the fact there are Catholics, Pentecostals, Mainline church people, Methodists, and us rebellious Non-Denominational types all in the room it runs like a champ because we are all their just trying to represent Jesus and do our best to help the people in our community. Doctrinal differences don’t matter when you are hearing the testimony of a man who is fighting every day to stay sober or the silent sobs of a mother who has lost a child to addiction. At that moment your views on the Trinity or predestination mean little, what matters is your capacity for compassion and understanding. But two, for me, it’s an exposure to a whole new world of these “steps” that are impacting more than I realize.

The first step that really resonated with me was Step 4:

We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.                                                                                                                                            Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.                  Lamentations 3:40 NIV

I remember that night thinking, “This is a great thing for THEM to do.” At some point over the last couple months, I had to ask God to forgive me for my “us and them” mentality and humble myself to realize that, while I may not abuse alcohol or struggle with codependency, I’ve got my own hurts, habits, and hang-ups that are no better. Faced with this increasing growing cloud of “blah” I had to take a fearless moral inventory of myself. I did not like what I saw.

I’ve realized, increasingly, my bent towards cynicism has affected me in many ways. One of the significant ways it has manifested is in my health. I’m 40, I weigh too much, I’m a type II diabetic, I have high blood pressure, and I take cholesterol medication. You would think I would do more about that. You would think that having a Dad die at 56 with heart problems would kick me into gear, but it doesn’t. In this realm The Cynic really dons his mask, his evil lab coat, and executes his plans. And he wreaks havoc on me. I recently tried riding a bike again. I can’t make it very far, and I am supremely disappointed in myself. I had visions of riding miles and smiling all the way while the wind swirled around me. That didn’t happen. So now it’s “too hot to ride,” or “it’s going to rain,” etc. The Cynic has some very legitimate reasons for me not to live long enough to hold my Grandchildren.

The next step in CR is step 5:

We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.                                                                                                                                     “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”   James 5:16a NIV

When I started this blog, it was honestly just as a response as a challenge from the people who speak into my life that I needed to write more. But I am beginning to realize, in dealing with my cynicism, that it is becoming partly a spirit-led manifestation of Step 5. Admitting in public, what I’ve already done privately with some, that some days I’m drowning in this. I’ve spent entire days in a row as the Cynic, and at times I can’t even hear myself. But now, with this blog, it’s out there. On the internet. WHAT HAVE I DONE? AACK!

And it brings me to step 6:

We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.               Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:10 NIV

This is where those of you who aren’t spiritual or into the whole Jesus thing likely cringe. I know, I get it. But even there was no God, living your life being negative and cynical is no way to live. This is the step I find myself in. Struggling to give everything over, hanging on to this pessimism and suspicion for what exactly? Why was it so easy for me to give up my life 8 years ago and walk into a job I’ve never done? Why was it easy to move to a place I’ve never lived, with no support system, for very little money, go on countless mission trips, attempt big things, pray big prayers, stay here when most other people would have left? Why has it become increasingly easier to stand in front of an audience and speak for 35 minutes, and yet I can’t seem just to give this one tiny thing away? Insert “shrugging shoulders” emoji here.

I’ve talked about how this has all come to a head through Carey Nieuwhof’s new book “Didn’t See it Coming.” Carey was on a podcast recently with one of my favorite church leaders Tony Morgan. Tony admitted to struggling with a lot of the same things I do. And, having met Tony and worked with him several years ago, I learned he and I are wired a lot alike. Carey asked Tony a pretty hard question that took me so aback I literally stopped the podcast and didn’t finish it until this morning (you can listen to the whole thing here). He asked him “Where is the reward in cynicism for you?” I’ve chewed on that for the better part of two weeks, and my answer in my brain was the “I told you so” moments I get to have when I’m right, about family stuff, about ministry fails, or worse when some person fails I just KNEW was going to fail. That satisfaction is my reward, sadly.  Sure enough, I turned it back on today, and Tony’s response was:

“When I can look at something and say, ‘I saw that coming, and it actually happened.’ then I think that’s the reward for me.”

And there it is. I can’ speak for Tony, but for me, the reward in cynicism is that it feeds my insatiable need to be right, because (and I am being painfully honest here) at the root of it, I long for the approval and validation of others. Because I am in a vocation where I didn’t get the “4 year degree from a Restoration Movement Bible College” or I am “just the Associate” I constantly feel inadequate, yet at the same time know God has made me capable, so I am constantly looking for someone to go, “Hey that guy is awesome and knows what he is talking about!” And at the root of all that is my identity crisis. Will I choose to be the Cynic? Or will I choose to be the person God made to be? Whose approval REALLY matters when all is said and done? Lately, I keep making the wrong choice, and today I am thankful for grace. I’m not perfect, and never will be, but if I don’t rip off the band-aid and give my wound some fresh air, it might never heal.

Band-Aid ripped. Now the work begins.